Salt Lake Tribune: Help Wanted

Needed: One self-righteous, priesthood-holding TBM male to fill a vacant spot in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Must be humble and have proof of humility. We need another special witness to carry on the tradition of "too sacred to tell". Current Temple recommend required; RM preferred. Experience: At least 50 years in high-level church positions, including bishop and stake-president. Must be able to produce faith-promoting stories right on the spot; tears on the spot is even better! Don't bother submitting your resume. We have already received it by revelation and will be calling you shortly if we feel you qualify for the position. Feel free, however, to submit any brown-nosing, ass-kissing documents you wish as these will greatly increase your chances of being selected. If you are wealthy we will put your resume on the top of the pile. This position has no pay but the benefits are awesome and include: instant celebrity status, license to lie, everything you say is God's will (even the lies), zero liability for anything you say (after all, you're just a man, right?), you can sign your own temple recommend, someone to write your inspired conference talks for you, billions of dollars in church assets to do whatever you want with, and a very generous living allowance (don't worry, because it's not acutally a paycheck, you don't have to pay your 10%). If you have no problem deceiving millions of people, WE WANT YOU!