Mormon411: The Mormon Schedule

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Mormon Schedule

Before you are even born, if you are born into a Mormon family, your life has already been planned out for you.

When you are an infant, you will receive a blessing.
When you are eight years old, you will be baptized.
When you are nineteen, you will go on a two-year mission.
As soon as you return from your mission, you will immediately find your eternal companion.
You will start pumping out children as fast as you are physically able.
(Somewhere in here, if you're lucky, you will get an education; but that is secondary in the lords eyes. Your number one priority is to pump out those LDS babies.)
You will teach your children all about the church.
You endure to the end.
You die.

Just follow the schedule and obey the 101 commandments and your salvation is guaranteed.

No comments:

Quotes & Thoughts

New Rule: Churches don't get to offer their commentary on political matters until they start paying taxes!
"...reading the Bible is what has made me an Atheist." ~ The Citizen Atheist
Faith is just gullibility. ~ The Atheist Experience
Don't teach creationism in my school and I won't preach evolution in your church!
In your fiction book, your fiction god did a fiction miracle and that's all the proof you need!
"It's called FAITH because it is not KNOWLEDGE" ~ Christopher Hitchens
"...faith, by definition, is believing in things without evidence and, personally, I don't do that because I'm not an idiot." ~Kate Smurthwaite
"If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people." ~House
"Developing a critical mind and having your own view of the world takes education, reflection and time. Having faith is much easier. People prefer to be deceived." ~Michael Shermer
"It's hard to free fools from the chains they revere." ~ Voltaire
"Just because you don't understand something, it doesn't mean it's wrong." Arthur, Sword in the Stone
A diety who remains silent and invisible should not be angry or surprised when its existance is doubted.
Intelligent Design: Because it's so much easier to just invent an answer.
99% of people who DENY evolution can't even DEFINE it!
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
The Bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
When you don't see the truth, it's easy to accept the illusion.
What most anti-evolution supporters don’t realize is that to nearly anyone educated in biological sciences, an anti-evolution world view today is almost equal to holding a position that the Earth is flat, and the sun revolves around the Earth.
There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
"Does religion work? It brings some of us solace, impels some to do good (and others to fly planes into buildings), and buttresses the same moral truths embraced by atheists, but does it help us better understand our world or our universe? Hardly." ~ USA Today
Mormonism is enforced religion.
"What's so merciful about a god who punishes Adam and Eve and all of their descendants over a stupid piece of fruit?" ~ Khalid Thalib
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for a reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed" ~ Albert Einstein
Isn't it ironic that both you and your god hate the same things?
"Santa Claus never asked for 10% and I still got everything I wanted. And I wasn't good all the time either. I paid the Mormon church 10% and got zip." ~ Let Go
"For god was such a cowardly chicken shit, that he had to send someone else to do the hard stuff." Mormon411
"The good thing about Atheists is they wont knock on your door and they wont blow you up!" ~ Bumper Sticker
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." ~ Stephen Roberts
"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?" ~ Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." ~ Napoleon Bonaparte
"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned." ~ Unknown
"To the simple mind everything can be explained with one three letter word." ~ Michael Pain
"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." ~John Adams, 2nd President of the United States
A watered down long island iced tea: $7.00. A lap dance from your favorite girl: $20.00. Feeling absolutely no guilt for any of it: Priceless!
"I have a hard time with historians, because historians idolize the truth." ~ Boyd K. Packer
"...if God told us to brush our teeth with mud I would do it." ~ Anon TBM
Some of you are probably thinking, "Why don't you just leave them (the Mormons) alone?" So I ask you, if you saw a thirsty man drinking water from a well you knew to be poisoned, would you let him continue to drink or would you guide him to a safe well? ~ Christopher Miller
"Just as you can always tell sea water because it tastes salty, you can always recognize enlightenment because it tastes like freedom." ~ The Buddah
"What have I got to lose? My family? No. They are already gone. They were gone as soon as I was gone from their "family oriented" church." ~ ex-Mormon
"He (Joseph Smith) may get drunk every day of his life, sleep with his neighbor's wife every night, run horses and gamble... but the doctrine he has produced will save you and me and the whole world." ~ Will Jarvis
"My most painful Mormon experience was learning that having faith in something does not necessarily make it true." ~ Anon
"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction." ~Richard Dawkins
"If a faith will not bear to be investigated; if its preachers and professors are afraid to have it examined, their foundation must be very weak." ~George Albert Smith
Prayer: How to do nothing and still think you're helping.
"Being an atheist means you've been able to see through the social pressure, black balling, guilt trips, propaganda, threats against your eternal soul, etc. and be a rational person in an otherwise irrational age. We think that's something to be proud of." ~The Arrogant Atheist
"Every member a missionary? Every member a revenue generator" ~Brian, ex-Mormon
"I love god. He's so deliciously evil!" ~Stewie Griffin
"We met in a little place called the MTC... If you don't know what the MTC is, then you're not cool." ~April Fenn, LDS church member
"This is our most devastating problem... retention." ~Sister "Nana" Barker, LDS Missionary
"Each of us has to face the matter—either the Church is true, or it is a fraud. There is no middle ground. It is the Church and kingdom of God, or it is nothing." ~Gordon B. Hinckley
What's the difference between a teenager and a Mormon? Eventually the teenager will realize that he doesn't know everything.
"How we treat others is a measure of what we think of ourselves" ~Sharon Bower
Atheists have morals too.
If complexity necessitates a creator, wouldn't our creator also need a creator?
Santa Clause is to children as Jesus Christ is to adults.
"If you are truly searching for the truth, then you must be prepared to admit that you don't already have it." ~Myself as a former LDS missionary
"It's impossible to reach good conclusions with bad information...We're all entitled to our own opinions, but none of us can afford to be wrong in our facts." ~Mort Crim
"...it's not a lie if you believe it." ~George Castanza