Thursday, July 31, 2008

My Mini Pilgrimage

Thursday, 11:00 PM, I leave the house and walk 2 1/2 blocks to my local ward church house. However my intention is not to worship...

Earlier that day I had been reading some ex-mormon stories online and one comment stuck out to me. This author was wondering, why do TBM's treat us apostates as if we had urinated in their baptismal font?

... My intention is to take a huge wizz all over the side of the church house.

I'm slightly nervous as getting caught doing such a thing will probably be a misdemeanor. I am determined, but if I have to abort, I'll just do it some other night.

I put on a hat and some dark colored clothes. I wear shorts and sandals so as not to appear too suspicious. I casually walk down the sidewalk. If anyone questions me, I can just say I'm going on a walk, which technically is true.

As I approach the church, I am disappointed to find that it is well lit. My only advantage is the fact that it is a relatively dark night. On the north-east corner of the building is a large bush; the perfect place to do my deed. The north side of the building is on a quiet street and the lights are minimal. The bush is only about 10 feet from the sidewalk. This is the right place.

I walk along the sidewalk until I'm just across from my bush. I quickly walk the 10 or so feet and duck behind the bush. I'm now standing right next to the building with perfect cover.

The sprinklers have just turned off so everything is already wet. Perfect. I proceed to accomplish my mission. I've never taken a piss that felt so damn good!

That being taken care of, all I need to do is get off the property and walk home. As I resume my walk with the sidewalk, I approach the west side of the building. There are two cop cars parked there in the parking lot. They are oblivious to the desecration that just took place.

I circle the block and head home. As I am passing the building on the other side, heading toward the east side of the building, another cop car pulls into the parking lot on the opposite side as the other two. Are they looking for me? I highly doubt it. My deed was quick and quiet. They are probably going through their routine of the night.

I walk the distance home, taking a different route. No one bothers me. Mission accomplished. I have succeeded in taking a leak on the side of the house of the lord. Funny, that all knowing god doesn't seem to have a clue!

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