I look back on my life and regret how much I let the church rob me of my childhood. You are taught, as a young Mormon, that sex is a horrible sin if used outside of marriage. You are forbidden from heavy kissing, feeling out, going all the way and even THINKING ABOUT IT!
What normal teenager doesn't think about sex? What normal boy doesn't look at an attractive girl and just wish he could have his way with her? But teenage Mormons are taught that these feelings and desires are evil.
I'm no expert in the psychology of sex. But I do know that it is good not only for your health, but also your esteem. However, it's the complete opposite for Mormons. If you've engaged in anything sexual, then you have offended god. You are only slightly less wicked than a murderer. You might as well just flush your self esteem right down the toilet.
In the name of being righteous, I turned down several sexual opportunities (much to the surprise of the girl making the advance). I even had one girlfriend who broke up with me because I wouldn't "do" anything with her. She was hot. I'm kicking myself now, of course. She would have let me do anything.
Of course, there were those times when the flesh gave way to temptation. I had a few girls here and there who let me play with their boobs. Of course, I felt terribly guilty. But damn! It was so much fun! What is it about boobs that is so damn cool? I even went as far as "dry humping" with one girl. I had an orgasm and really wondered if I was still a virgin.
So mission time came along and I had a few minor sexual sins under my belt. I debated with myself as to whether or not I confess to the bishop. I had to serve a mission, to fulfill the " *right of passage".
* The right of passage is the event in any culture in which a boy is transformed into a man. In Mormonism, completition of a successful mission is the right of passage.
Do I confess? If I do, I might not be allowed to serve. That is way not cool. If I don't confess, I can serve, but I will have unresolved issues. It turns out that I decided to lie to the bishop. I figured that if his sense of discernment couldn't detect my crimes, then they must not be that bad. I was allowed to serve.
It turns out that in the MTC, they put tremendous guilt and pressure on missionaries who have gone on a mission with unresolved sins. They pile the guilt high and deep. They threaten you that if you serve unworthily, you will go to hell. It turns out that there are thousands of bishops all over Utah who need to have their spirit of discernment in the shop.
Why does the LDS church control the sexuality of it's members so much? Sex is a very strong desire. If you can control that, then you can control anything. TSCC tells you when you can and can't have sex. They tell you how and where.
In Mormonism, sex is viewed as the "power of pro-creation". It is a gift given to us by God that, when used righteously, can allow us to bring more of his spirit children into the world. Since the power of pro-creation is so powerful, it must be used carefully. If you abuse it, then you will be in big trouble.
I always used to wonder that if sex outside of marriage was so offensive to god, then why would he allow a child to come of it? Doesn't that child have a right to be born into a righteous home with two righteous parents? Why would god send an innocent child to a whoring woman who has no right to be a mother? I mean, if you get pregnant outside of marriage, then obviously you're a sinner and a whore. So why would god send an innocent child into these circumstances? Only god knows. That child is being given the trials that it best needs.
So that must mean that god wanted the woman to get pregnant outside of marriage. Since he wanted it to happen, then she is actually fulfilling gods will. How can that possibly be a sin?
If everything that happens is gods will, then everything we do, both good and bad, must be gods will. And since whatever happens is gods will, then they can't be a sin, because sinning is doing what god doesn't want us to do. But since all things happen, then all things must be gods will. Therefore, there is no such thing as sin! Everything you do must have been gods will; otherwise, he would have stopped you from doing it!
It was gods will that a boy and a girl liked each other and had sex.
It was gods will that the girl got pregnant.
It was gods will that the girl got an abortion.
It is gods will that some people are for abortion.
It is gods will that some people are against abortion.
Basically, anything that happens is gods will. Because if it wasn't gods will, then it wouldn't happen.
So if I have sex, or drink, or smoke, or gamble, or steal, it is all gods will because he doesn't stop me from doing it.
This is why I am an atheist. For one thing, if god didn't want me to have sex then he wouldn't have given me a dick. If he didn't want me to masturbate, then he wouldn't have given me hands. Secondly, when you sit down and really analyze what god is, you'll realize, as I just demonstrated above, that it's all just nonsense.
It must be gods will that I am an atheist; otherwise he would force me to not be an atheist.
I really jumped around a lot in this post, but I wanted to provide a good look into how Mormons view sex. I also wanted to complain about all the opportunities I passed up. If I sit down and count the opportunities missed, there is probably about a dozen.
Damn it! I'm just sitting here kicking myself! The few memories I have are very nice. I wish I had a dozen more to add to the list!
11 comments:
I might humbly say... This is hilarious. A poor attempt to justify yourself. Well, whatever helps you sleep at night.
I am with that guy.
Ex mormon here.
You need to let it go and move on. You act like that guy that just got broken up with who doesn't stop talking about how much he hates his ex (that he still loves.)
You wear it thick on your shoulders man.
So excuse me for telling my story. Do you want me to lie? I'm simply telling it the way it is (or was) and if you don't like it, then... who cares?
To anon #1, would you care to elaborate? What exactly am I trying to justify? Do you mean that I sinned and am now trying to make up all the reasons I can think of to escape the guilt of it all?
Let me tell you something. I used to have heaps and tons of guilt. Now I have absolutely ZERO. So laugh all day. I am free and I don't care what you think. And guess what really does help me sleep at night... a good whack off.
To anon #2: I'm not sure exactly how to even respond to you. My first instinct was to stoop to your level and just say "FUCK YOU" but I realize how high school that is.
Yea, you're actually right. I'm a whiny little bitch who got the rug yanked out from under me. But I got a goddamn good reason. I can NEVER get my childhood back. It's gone forever and I missed it because I pissed it away for a fucking cult.
You're an ex-Mormon too. Well, we all deal with our apostasy in our own way. Unless you have the official "Mormon apostate manual: How you're supposed to think and feel after Mormonism", then let me deal with it in my own way.
Yea, I wear it thick because I can NEVER get it back!!!!!!!
Anon #2 speaking..
So you're telling me that since you "lost your childhood" and you "won't get it back" that you will spend the rest of your life giving them more control over your life.
You're free? That's weird. You still let the church control your time and energy.
Yes. You come off like you are justifying yourself by talking about it constantly.
I don't have an apostate manual nor do I care of anyone were to call me that because it's stupid.
You wear it thick because you won't get it back? Wow. That's a good philosophy. So just be mad and bitter the rest of your existence. Don't get over it and have joy and happiness in life. I mean that would just be "letting them win." Wouldn't it?
You're right. You'll never be at my level my man. I learn to let go and heal. I also am smarter than you. You read what other smart people (Dawkins) say and parrot it back.
Where is your own original take on the subject matter because I haven't seen it. Oh you gonna make a sex joke? Brilliant. Nice insight.
The LDS church has zero control over my life.
How does the church control my time and energy? Just because I blog about the church, it doesn't mean they control me.
Dawkins talks about atheism constantly. Does that mean he's trying to justify anything? Or maybe he's just trying to educate people... which is exactly what I'm doing.
I have a wonderful and fulfilling life. Amazing, I've never had an exmo accuse me of being bitter and angry. That's a job reserved for the holier-than-thou TBM's.
Yes, I am bitter and have regrets about certain things but it's not like it consumes my life. Are you telling me that you've never been upset about anything? Well, like I said before, we all deal with it in our own way. I don't know how or why you have this idea that I'm consumed with rage.
I have tons and tons of "original" input on the subject. This blog contains nearly 300 posts, at least 95% of which were written by me.
If you are smarter than me, I wouldn't be surprised. But I'm not here to win an IQ contest. I'm just here to say what's on my mind and hopefully help someone else.
Can you honestly tell me that you have no regrents about your life as a Mormon? Can you honestly tell me that you were never angry at discovering that you were deceived your entire life? Sure, you let go and have a great life now. I'm happy for you. But wasn't there ever a time when you were upset? If no, then I salute you. If yes, then you got over it, as I am sure I will.
Would you like to post your story or thoughts here? You seem to have a unique perspective and I would love to hear it.
P.S. One more thought. How can you not be angry knowing that the "prophets" and "apostles" are actively deceiving millions of people and cohersing them out of their money? It almost seems to me that anyone who is not angry at that has something wrong with their head. It's not uncontrolled anger, but more like indignation.
That's the type of anger that I have.
Do I have any regrets about it?
No.
I was born into it so it's about as logical as asking me if I have regrets about having brown hair.
I am no more indignant towards it than I was about finding out that Santa wasn't real.
Was I angry about being deceived?
No.
I don't believe that any member or my family was out to deceive me. They wanted what was best for me with the utmost sincerity. Now authorities and going way back....eh. I mean the idea of religious theologies and charlatans is as old as time began.
Mormonism and Scientology are the newer versions of the same thing. The big difference between those two and all others, is that we have it is close enough to fact check and go back. Scientology is just hilarious because it's easier to do. Those two are so recent you can easily go back through recorded history and find several examples of actual facts to prove it false. So you should actually be happy it was a religion you can have a peace of mind to get over, through facts, than another religion.
That's why other old religions are funny. It's difficult to do the backwards cold hard fact checking (though possible) so they get away with it easier. Then they mock Mormons and Scientology and I am sitting here going isn't it all the same bullshit just a new package?
I digress.
The main point to all of my bothering to post here is I stumbled across this through a friend. I was beyond intrigued at the frequency of posts and a lot of repeating of one's self.
I come across this frequently with Ex-Mormons. I think it's not healthy. On top of that I also think it avoids pro-active solutions. So there's a problem you're passionate about, but where's the solution?
I know you'll claim "Posting this here and that's why I do it so much." I don't think that's pro active. There are several sources available to get that info so what makes you different?
I don't really feel the need to share my story because mine is too boring. At 16 I went this is bullshit I am done. People got concerned and pissed but that's their problem not mine. That's the story. Hardly anything to write about concerning me.
In a weird way Ex-Mormons have their own religion---in not letting go, banning together, and bitching about stuff the church did or does. Does that bother me that people subscribe to religions and it causes problems? Yeah. That's just one thing on a long list of other things that I can be mad about but choose not to.
That's everyone else's problem not mine. I don't let religious influence effect how I act, what I say, or what I do so what is there to be mad about? I can only let them control me as much as I allow it to bother me. Now I am not a flawless person in regards to my feelings on the matter. It is irritating that people think you're weird for not believing in bullshit.
In the end they are wasting their time and energy. I am free to do what I want. I live by the code of fear only in avoiding negative consequences to my actions and that's about it.
So I hope that answers that.
I was born into the church as well. When I asked if you had regrets, I meant, for example, I regret that I allowed them to manipulate me for so long. I regret that my childhood was wasted.
I have often used the parallel between Jesus and Santa. The major difference, however, is that once you're out of your childhood, you accept the fact that Santa isn't real. However, you are taught that Jesus literally is real.
And the indignation I am referring to is not the bishop or SP who teaches and enforces Mormon doctrine naively; it's the men at the top who undoubtedly know it's not true but continue to preach it as the literal truth anyway.
My mother was as staunch Mormon as one can be. Am I angry at her for endoctrinating me? No, for the same reason you stated. She did it innocently with my best interests in mind. The men downtown do it with my wallet in mind. That's the difference. They deceive me intentionally just for my time and money.
Great points about new and old religions. I just put up a series of videos that gives Christianity a good debunking.
I realize that there are some issues that I am repetitive with. Let's face it. I have issues with Mormon sexuality. For years I hated myself because of what they taught me about sex.
However, one of the features of this blog that I am quite proud of is that I do honestly try to talk about new and unique ideas and angles. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.
I'll have to respectively disagree with you. I think it is good that ex-Mormons blog and group together. The LDS church has labeled us as evil, devil-loving, hell-bound, child-rapists, sons-of-perdition with no morals and values. Part of the purpose of my blog is to show people that that is not true. I'm just attempting to correct yet another lie of LDS, Inc.
If we don't ban together, then what will get done? Nothing. The LDS church will continue to grow and deceive millions of people. If I have helped even one person get out of the vicious cycle, then I've done something great.
You had enough insite at 16 to call them on their bullshit. It took me about twice as long. So you never served a mission or got married in the temple. That makes our Mormon experiences VERY different. That's probably why we have such a different outlook. If I had seen the truth at 16, I am quite sure I would have a similar view to yours.
But I have a Mormon wife and children. I have a family who expects more from me because I am an RM. I was married in the temple. I made sacred covenants with God. You did not.
So by blogging and putting our stories out there, we are being pro-active. I am telling my story in hopes that someone else can read it and benefit. I'm not just regurgitating information. Yes, there is no point in that. I have tried, in this blog, to add a unique perspective to it. I guess I have failed.
But if we don't ban together and demand a change, then nothing will change. The LDS church is an evil corporation and if all ex-Mormons just sit back and do nothing, then the church goes unchecked and can continue grinding on the faces of the poor. No, we need to ban together. If we don't, then the church wins and nothing changes. It's not a 'religion'. It's just a voice for change and justice.
If you don't want to be involved, then you don't have to be. I'm not going to judge you or be angry. I respect your right to your views and all I want back from you is the same thing.
In fact, one of the most beautiful things I have learned since becoming an ex-Mormon is the beauty of diversity. I no longer have this sense of duty to make everyone just like me. I don't have to shove my views or religion down anyone elses throat. I have learned to love and accept people for what they are. I could write a post about that and I probably will.
You'll probably say, well if you accept everyone for what they are, then why do you try to change them with your blog? Good question. I am simply putting my perspective out there in the hopes that it will help someone. I never force my views on anyone. I don't force them to read. I don't force them to agree with me. I just hope that my perspective will be what someone is looking for. If that never happens, then at least it was a way for me to express myself.
Sometimes it is thick (like this post). Sometimes it is sarcastic. Sometimes it is humorous. Sometimes, factual, etc. But it is always meant to be thought provoking.
I'm curious as to how much you've read. If you just read one or two posts, then I could understand your criticism better. But I've written a wide variety of post on a wide variety of topics and I've always tried to add a unique perspective to each of them.
Anything thought provoking is good. Thanks for your input.
I'm sure you've heard the term "recovery". Well, it's different for each person. Your recovery was easy because you had not yet made major life-changing decisions.
Recovery is just each persons progress to deal with all aspects of leaving Mormonism. It includes, deprogramming, dealing with feelings of anger and betrayal, learning how to think outside of the 'temple', learning to say "no", dealing with past issues (such as a life wasted in servitude), dealing with family and friends who are still TBM, etc.
I don't know how old you are now. But you don't understand my argument about my wasted childhood because you had yours, or at least most of it. I didn't. It's an entirely normal thing for a young person to have sexual desires. But the goddamn church makes you feel like a scumbag piece of shit just for having normal feelings and desires. That's why I'm pissed. Because I grew up hating myself JUST FOR BEING NORMAL! I can't go back and re-live it so I can experience a normal childhood. That's why I have issues with sex and my childhood. I'm not saying I want to go back and be a total slut... I'm just saying that I regret not experiencing a normal childhood and doing things that normal children do without a ton of guilt heaped on.
And yes, I understand that being pissed won't change anything. Again that's why I'm telling my story. Maybe my words can help someone else enjoy their childhood.
Was following the Mormon gospel really that bad?
No. There are certain aspects of it that I am grateful for.
I am grateful that I never started smoking. Maybe if I had, I would be dead of lung cancer now.
Maybe abstaining from sex saved me from a deadly STD.
Maybe having mostly Mormon friends saved me from getting involved in drugs, gangs, and alcohol.
I'll never know, but I do recognize the good that has come of it.
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