Wow, it's been over two weeks since my last post. This blog is coming up on three years old now and I have rarely gone this long without writing something.
The truth is, I just don't think about Mormonism as much as I used to. Oh, I still think about it, and I'm still very passionate about my feelings about it. But I think I'm coming to the point where I've had my say... I've said what I needed to say.
Why do I even blog in the first place? I've had all types of responses to this blog. Some praise it and think it is wonderful. On the other hand, I had one guy tell me that I sound like a whiny little boy who got dumped by his girlfriend (I laughed when I read that). But if you're an ex-Mormon living in Mormon central, who can you talk to?
No one wants to hear what an inactive apostate has to say. Not even my own wife.
I am healing but far from complete recovery. I am married to a Mormon and I live in SLC (both of those conditions will probably be rectified in the near future).
Every day at work, I interact with Mormons. In fact, I had an interesting thing happen, just today. I can't go into details, but I was speaking with two gentlemen (brothers) and one of them made a comment, "We will go down."
This is a quote directly from the temple ceremony. These two men are Mormons, of course, and when one of them said it, they both chuckled. I pretended that I didn't know what was going on. They have asked me before if I am LDS to which I responded that I am not religious. Most, if not all, of them assume that I have never been Mormon.
There is a girl at work (co-worker) who believes strongly in the church but lives anything but an LDS lifestyle. She has a lot of issues (and always brings them to work with her). I can only imagine the suffering she endures because she "knows" the church is true and yet does not live it. I am quite sure that she loathes herself, even though she is a very nice and sweet girl.
I just wish that for three seconds, I could put all of my knowledge and convictions into the heads of the Mormons around me so they could truly understand why I have chosen this path. I have tried to explain to my wife why I could dare "speak evil of the lord's annointed" (another quote from the temple ceremony).
She sees them as true prophets who walk and talk with god. I see them as lying assholes who would let a family starve just for another $10. It's amazing how two different people can look at the LDS leadership through their respective paradigms and see completely different attributes. Mormons see them as the mouthpiece for god. I loathe the very mention of their names.
I could never be Mormon again. The very thought that I might have not found the truth just makes me shudder. I can't even imagine living an entire lifetime as a Mormon. By the time I was 30, I was so burnt out by their demands that I stopped going to church. I can't even comprehend doing the Mormon thing for 70 or 80 years. Yet many of them do it.
I can't help but wonder how many of them follow the Mormon gospel out of fear. I know that some of them really do love it, but I wonder just how many. You see, in the Mormon gospel, you will become a god yourself if you comply with all the rules. If you don't follow all the rules then you will be a Son of Perdition and live in outer darkness with satan. How many follow because of the fear of outer darkness? I would love to know.
I did. Now that I have learned to be honest with myself I can truly say that I followed out of fear.
I am no longer afraid of damnation. It is nothing more than a control tactic to keep people (and their bank accounts) under control. I'll never account myself to a nosey bishop ever again. I'll never let them make me think that I am a huge piece of shit scum bag simply for being alive. I'm done with all the fairy tales and nonsense. It's time to start living in the real world.
And all I'm trying to do is bring my loved ones into the real world with me.
The ironic part is that they hate me for it...
How fucked up is that?
2 comments:
I'm sure you already know this, but it is that same fear that you yourself had as a morman, that is causing your family to be upset with you. You used hate, I hope they don't really hate you, but religion is a VERY powerful thing.
I once was truly in fear that my marriage would end because my husband no longer believed. I was full of anger and resentment and I was scared to death, because I just KNEW there was a god and I was right.
As you well know I no longer believe that, but it did take me a year to come to that conclusion.
A year full of crying and resentment and sadness all for some stupid made up thing.
It's those memories that I try to hang on to. They help me understand the other sides position and I want to always remember that I once felt the same way. It allows me to be more compassionate and less bitter.
Thanks Brandy,
I totally understand what you're saying. I'm sure that none of them actually hate me, but on the other hand, none of them know that I am an anti-Mormon blogger. I would bet that at least some of them would never speak to me if they actually knew...
And I understand that they literally believe it to be the truth and those who fight against it are literally hell's spawn. I can't be mad at them for that... I am mad at the assholes who continue to tell them that.
Most Mormons are genuine people with nothing but good intentions. While they are annoying, we all need to remember that they are simply trying to do what they believe is best.
My father left the church years ago and I remember feeling that exact way: hurt, betrayed, & abandoned. So I do understand, as good as anyone, the feelings that TBM's have when someone leaves the church.
Thanks for keeping it real, Brandy.
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