My Missionary Testimony

Today I decided to pull out my missionary journal and see what kind of stuff I wrote. I came across an interesting entry where I talk about how an investigator is studying anti-Mormon literature to learn about the church and I bear my testimony about the truthfulness of it all. I promise myself that I will never be deceived...

Here it is word for word:

"March 19, 19xx
"10:15 P.M.

"I just got off the phone with Bryan, an investigator who is studying anti-literature to find out about the church. He wants us to study them with them and choose a religion of facts rather than by the spirit. I told him that I believe the Mormon faith with all my heart and he tells me I'm just believing because I've been raised that way. But I believe because of the knowledge I have. I know that Satan is out there and, of course, he doesn't want anyone to find the truth. Those books may bring up valid points, but there is an explanation to all of them, and with those books written to tear down God's kingdom, it is a testimony builder to me that I need to stay strong in the faith and just remember that I know that this is God's only true church. Bryan said some things that made sense, but his heart is not open to learn new things. My heart is not open to learn new things because I have a testimony and, yes, I might have been born into this church, but I do know that I hold the Melchezedek Priesthood, the authority to act for God. It has been given to me by the laying on of hands, and I have been in the temple and participated in the activities that go on inside. I know that our leaders are guided by God and I know that Joseph Smith restored the truthfulness of the gospel to the earth once again...

"When I think of the things I know to be true, I cannot and will not ever let Satan's lies deceive me. I wish people would follow the spirit instead of facts because God's ways are not man's ways. To not rely on my feelings would be a lack of faith. And with the conviction I have that these things are true, I don't dare believe anything else, lest I should be cut off. I know that this church is true and no anti-LDS book will ever change my mind and lead me astray."

If anyone ever doubts that I was a close-minded TBM, there's the proof. When Bryan told me all that "anti" stuff, I immediately did the TBM thing and jumped right to the testimony, the safety net. Now I don't remember any of the stuff he told me on the phone, but that doesn't matter. What matters is my typical cookie-cutter testimony that I had rehearsed 100 million times.

I know this, I know that. The fact is, I didn't know jack squat! And at that point, I wasn't ready to know the real truth. A person can only be truly convinced of the LDS lies when they are ready. Some people are never ready. Some people never really bought all the bull in the first place. I was one of those that gobbled it all up, hook, line, and sinker. It took me a lot of years to figure it out. But I finally did!

Fortunately, I used my brain on my mission. If I hadn't gone, I might still be a TBM. I saw the complete lack of inspiration and by the time I was only out for 3 or 4 months, I was completely convinced that the missionary program was not inspired at all. Of course, I would have never admitted to that in my journal (I don't think. If I find it in there, I'll be sure and share).

Here's some other interesting quotes:

"March 21, 19xx (just days after my testimony)

"I really don't know who to turn to, to talk to. I definitely can't talk to [my companion]. I don't really trust the mission president, and I can't very well tell everyone at home... I just feel like crying. I feel like my only friend is God but often I feel like even God has abandoned me."

The quote above is referring to my overbearing companion who was abusive and manipulative.

"As missionaries, we are expected to give up everything we have, even our personality."