The Fruits of Mormonism

I once had a very bizzare conversation with my TBM mother. At this point, I was seriously doubting the church but was still a semi-believer. Now the things I am going to say in this post are scary and will make my mother look bad. That is not my intention. I realize that her viewpoints and opinions come from being a deluded Mormon all her life.

My mother was dying. I knew it and so tried to have as many conversations with her as possible while I still could. I don't remember much of what we talked about. It was just spending time and making sure that when she died there were no issues unaddressed. I do, however, remember one conversation because it was so unique and really brought out many of the reasons why mom acted like she did.

It was all about the devil and his evil spirits. Once the conversation was over, I was seriously creeped out.

It started when she recalled the time when my father left the church. During that time, she had dreams and visions of the devil celebrating his victory over our family.

One such dream was about the devil dressed in a suit and disguised as a very handsome man, visiting our home and "selling" something to my dad. My dad was anxiously buying the story. As my mom watched this take place, the devil would glance at her and give her a huge evil smile. She new it was the devil and he was cheating my dad's soul. The devil knew that she knew and so would give her a sneering glance whenever my father wasn't looking.

Finally the devil and my father walked away together. But before they were gone, the devil turned around and changed into his true form (whatever that was). He then spoke to my mother saying, "I have deceived your husband and I will come back for the rest of your family!"

It horrified her and she swore that she would fight the devil to her dying breath.

My mother believed that this was no dream but an actual vision of what was happening. She described how the spirit realm is all around us and we are surrounded on a constant basis by evil snarling devils who would very much like to rip us to shreds. Of course, we can't see them but they are literally there.

She spoke of when a person thinks a bad thought, that it's not really you, but the devil speaking in your mind, using your voice to temp you and lead you astray. The devil is able to control many people in this way because they think that they are thinking for themselves. Therefore she warned against angry thoughts because that allows the devil to get one of his evil spirits inside you to mimic your voice in your head.

The devil hates you so much that he will do anything to get you out of the church. Therefore, my mother was very devout in her church life. In order to keep her children pure and clean (naive and innocent) we were not allowed to watch TV.

When my father left the church, my mother had an extremely hard time dealing with it. She did anything to keep him out of our lives so that he could not influence us. She hated him. She absolutely could not accept his new beliefs or lifestyle so she reluctantly divorced him. She expressed extreme emotions over having a broken home and she was sure that the devil was responsible. Even though she did absolutely everything she could to keep the family together, the devil won, and I don't think she ever forgave herself for it.

After they divorced, she would never see him again unless it was at a wedding of one of their children. She would not speak to him. He was now completely overtaken by evil spirits and so should be avoided. Whenever she caught him "sinning" she would fly into a rage and go absolutely berzerk. I heard one story where she pretended to go out of town just so she could sit outside the house and spy on my dad to try to catch him in a sin.

I heard another story where she followed him to work and publically screamed obsenities and threw his Playboy magazines all over the ground.

In my mothers eyes, when it came to sin there was absolutely no tolerance. No forgivness. No love. The sinner had to be punished immediately. Whether that meant a public face off, tearing the house apart, over-turing furniture, or pretending to go out of town, she was determined to see to it that no one in her house was involved with "sin".

In her desperate attempts to "save" the family, I believe that she was ultimately responsible for it's failure. Just as Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side to gain more power to save Padme's life, it ended up that his turn to the dark side was the reason for Padme's death. By trying so hard to save her, he ultimately killed her. Mom was not much different. If she had simply been tolerant and understand of my dad, things would never have been so bad. But she was absolutely incapable of that. Her Mormon programming would never allow it.

Naturally, my mom was selective about what friends her children had. She disliked non-members, but even more, she disliked Mormon kids who weren't completely active. She down right despised any of our Mormon friends who were not 100% in the church. She was more tolerant of our non-Mormon friends because, I guess, she figured that they didn't know any better.

In fact, as I look back and compare my mothers behaviour with that of many TBM's, it isn't that different: complete intolerance. I can't say that she was a bad person. She wasn't. In fact, she was a wonderful person. But when it came to the Mormon gospel, she stood her ground and would not budge, no matter what the outcome or consequence would be; no matter who it offended.

So I can't sit here and condemn her. She was Mormon. She was in the true church that the devil was working 24-7 to tear apart. She literally believed it. It was all she knew. To consider any other reality was not even an option. She knew the church was true. To her, and to the LDS church, the end justified the means.

My mother carried around so much hate and guilt and anger that it's no wonder she died. She was completely intolerant to anything non-LDS. But again, I can't blame her. She was raised in a cult that taught her elitist thinking. It was all she knew. And even though the system abused her all her life, she never turned away from it. It was true. The priesthood holders that abused her were acting unrighteously, but it never even occurred to her that it might not be true.

I don't think she ever forgave my dad for his apostasy. I don't think that she had the ability to. She did not attend my sister's wedding, simply because it was not a temple wedding. Talk about intolerance. And yet, I blame the church, not my mother, for this incredibly irrational behavour. It's a cult and that's what it does to people when they turn their complete will over to it.

It's very sad. People are so convinced that the church is true that it doesn't matter how you retaliate. I have seen ex-Mormons threaten to kill apostates. I have seen them throw insults and call names. To a TBM, it's okay. You're defending god's kingdom so anything goes.

I love and miss my mother dearly. But inside I'm glad she's not here to see my apostasy. It would break her heart.