Saturday, April 18, 2009

Another Encounter with the LDS Missionaries

The LDS missionaries are the most manipulating bastards! They don't listen to a damn thing you say. All they want to do is shove their goddamn religion down your throat.

Why am I so pissed off? Today two Mormon geeks (missionaries) approached me on the street. They were the typical clean cut, white shirt, bicycle guys that you always see riding around.

The geek who initiated the conversation began by asking me if I was a member of the church, to which I replied that I was not. He then asked me what was holding me back from going to church. I told him that I am not religious.

Going on as though he was wearing ear plugs, he asked me if I have a copy of the Book of Mormon to which I replied that I do. He then challenged me to read it, saying that if I do, I will be able to regain my testimony.

What? Didn't I just tell you that I'm not a member? He then went on to promise me, in the name of Jesus Christ, that if I read the Book of Mormon, I will find the answers that I've been praying for.

What? Didn't I just tell you that I'm not religious? Non-religious people don't pray, so I haven't been praying for answers.

This assuming SOB then tried to manipulate me into a commitment to go to church this Sunday. I told him I would look at the Book of Mormon but that's all I would commit to. Well, I got home, glanced at the book and then logged in to post my little encounter.

The funny thing is that his companion said nothing and was even looking in other directions. I could tell he was just as annoyed by these stupid questions as I was.

Their behaviour appalls me and it terrifies me to think that at one point, I ran around in a white shirt and tie with a black name tag and asked those exact same manipulating questions. It horrifies me to think that I was once one of them.

What makes them think that people like being approached by complete religious freaks who try to manipulate the hell out of them from the very first question? Why do they think that they have the right to approach me, uninvited, and immediately start ramming their testimonies down my throat?

I know that they are just naive slaves of the system who are only trying to do what they think is right. I can't blame them for that. But I have actually grown to resent them. I still try to be polite, but I don't know for how much longer. Every encounter I have with them is exactly the same... them trying to manipulate me into dozens of commitments.

Why do I have to account myself to two geeky teenagers? I don't! I no longer have to account to anyone for any of my actions or choices except to myself and my wife. No one else! No one else has the right to pry into my private or religious life. And yet Mormons think they can do it to anyone they want, member or non-member.

Never again will any bishop or missionary be allowed to question me about my private life. Never! My days of explaining myself to everyone else are over.

Take my advice. If you see the LDS missionaries, turn around and walk the other way.


Long Ben Avery said...

Many years ago, after I'd become an atheist, I threw a party one Friday night for my 19th birthday! It was debauchery personified, to quote one of my friends, it was "Sex 'n' drugs 'n' rock 'n' roll"
The next morning the people who'd stayed overnight, including, for some reason The Fijian National Rugby Team, were recovering from the excesses of the night before, when there was a knock at the door.
I took a peak around the curtain and saw 2 clean cut guys who looked like the police, blue suits, white shirts, and dark blue ties accessorised by sensible black shoes.
With great trepidation I answered The Front Door and said "Can I help you gentlemen", all the while racking my brains as to what me or my brother had done to attract the attentions of The Fuzz!
I asked them pleasantly "What can I do to help"
One of them said, in a pronounced American accent, " We're from The Church of The Latter Day Saints"
I was sooooo relieved that they weren't The Police, I kind of mentally, skipped The LDS bit and invited them in. They looked so pleased. (BTW this was 1976) I said you're American Christians would you like to listen to my Sam Cooke gospel music and stuck it on the record player. Sat them down and asked if they would like a drink of tea or coffe, DOH! As I turned around to go to the kitchen I realised that there was one guy chopping out a line of white powder at least 2 other guys were skinning up joints, also there was obvious evidence of last nights debauch all over the place. Knickers hanging from the lights, half naked people wandering around and 2 of my gay friends canoodling in the corner. I realised this about the same time these guys realised what was going on, I've never seen 2 proselytisers leave a house so quickly and politely. I swear to God (In whom I don't believe) that they left skid marks down the drive in their hurry to get away!
The memory still makes me smile even though I really wasn't trying to freak them out.

Mormon411 said...

Damn, that's funny! I'd have loved to have been at that party. But in 1976, I was just a bun in my mommy's tummy.