It has been two and a half years since I have sat through an entire LDS church service. I've been to a couple of funerals, attended two baby blessings, and a ward trunk-or-treat in the church parking lot.
According to Boyd K. Packer, a funeral service should be all about preaching the gospel and very little said about the deceased. I found that to be the case in all the funerals I have attended.
I attended the blessings of two nephews. While invited to stand in the circle, I refused both times and did not take the sacrament. I remember as a child and an adult, being bored to death in sacrament meeting... it hasn't changed. Sitting through about one sacrament meeting a year is about all I can handle.
In short, I don't miss church AT ALL!!! It is boring and full of pressure to obey the lord's 1001 requirements to get into heaven.
There toward the end of my activity, I felt extremely weighed down with expectations. Add to that the guilt of not fulfilling them all, and that equals one depressed person.
They never let up about tithing. If you don't pay, you'll burn. It's a trial of your faith, the only problem is, it's always a trial... I never got any special rewards.
Home teaching, it is just as important a calling as the prophet's calling... except that no one wants to do it. We sat in elders quorum and got guilt tripped for an hour every damn sunday. Besides, why does the bishop need me to be his eyes and ears? Why doesn't the lord just inspire him to know who needs help in the ward? Isn't "continuing inspiration" one of the central themes of the church? DUH!
One sunday, in the general priesthood meeting, the bishop had everyone stand up. He then instructed everyone with a current temple recommend to sit down. Obviously, those left standing did not have their recommends and were made an example of in front of everyone. Talk about manipulation!
Pointless meetings, before and after church. A complete waste of time. I read an article about "busywork for the lord" and that is what it's all about.
Temple work. I never had any "bad" experiences in the temple, other than that strange feeling that something wasn't right. It was all so wierd that I was left perplexed. I know other people felt the same way and yet they would always stand up in testimony meeting and express how deeply wonderful and spiritual it was. Of course, those of us who know the real truth, know that they are just saying it because it's expected of them. Reminds me of the emperors new clothes. No one is brave enough to admit that the temple is just plain fucking wierd!
Never refuse a calling. And I never did, although I really, REALLY wanted to. Being TBM with a good heart, I accepted callings on faith, although I have since realized that the LDS cult wants hours and hours of free labor. Ironically, I have to pay THEM to work for THEM! What a system they've got going!
Another very strong pressure that is put on the young men... the damn priesthood. A mormon man's fantasy magical powers. My one question... if you can move a mountain with the faith of a mustard seed, then how come worthy, faithful priesthood holders can't even move one teeny pebble? If a blessing is "according to god's will" then what's the purpose of the damn blessing in the first place?
A mission. If you don't go, you're just wrong. Honestly, I dreaded going on a mission all my life. I went, hated it, and returned home with honor. A missionary is treated like a robot. Every detail of their life is spelled out by the church. You are not allowed to have any feelings or emotions. You're not allowed to be human. The churches favorite missionaries are those who blindly follow every rule, no questions asked. This just goes to show what the church does to people who willingly turn their will over to the church. They control EVERY aspect of your life. Ironically, the church claims to be all about free agency, but they do the exact opposite as soon as they are given the chance. BYU is no different. I wouldn't go there if they paid me! I wouldn't go there even if all the chicks on campus were naked! I wouldn't go there even if my life depended upon it! I would rather die than go to BYU and have this cult watch every move I make and dictate what I wear and how I groom. I never went to BYU but I've heard stories and they make my skin crawl.
Then there's the biggie... sexuality, or more accurately, the complete lack of sexuality. To think about sex in any way is a sin. To touch yourself for the purpose of sexual arousal is a sin. To touch another person in a sexual manner (petting) is a sin. To french kiss or make out is a sin. Anything outside of marriage is a sin. Talk about a group of sexually frustrated people. It is only human to have feelings of attractiveness or being horny. But the church heaps a ton of guilt on people for these very normal feelings. The result is a bunch of people who hate themselves and rely heavily on the system to "overcome" these "temptations". Then you get married and it goes from nothing, nada, zero to full blown sex. In fact, it then becomes a sin to not have sex! Just remember, mormon sexuality is like buying a car that you have never test driven or even read a manual about. In fact, it's like buying a car before you even have your drivers license!
The word of wisdom is actually one aspect of mormonism that I still agree with... mostly. I never smoked and I am damn glad that I didn't. However, I've had the occassional alcoholic drink and I'm not a raging alcoholic. The church wants everyone to think that one drink WILL lead to alcoholism, which WILL totally ruin your life. NOT TRUE. Then I look around me at all the word of wisdom followers and they are fat, out of shape, slobs! I guess the lord was just kidding when he said the saints could run and not be weary. Lots of them can hardly walk! Go figure.
Of course, then there's the pressure to do the every day things, pray and read your scriptures. Pray, talk to your imaginary friend. Honestly, did praying ever get you anything that you wouldn't have gotten otherwise? Prayer does nothing. NOTHING.
Read the scriptures. How many people actually do this every day? Honestly, with all the expectations that are heaped upon mormons, how can they actually have any spare time to sit down and read an extremely monotonous and boring book?
Gain a testimony. If you don't have a testimony, then something is wrong with you. There is some sin you haven't repented of. I've always wondered, if the church is the absolute source of truth, as they claim, why do I need to constantly remind myself of it for fear of losing it? I would think that absolute truth would stand for itself and be a little hard to forget. And yet the leaders always warn about how easy it is to lose your testimony. Something just doesn't add up here. Truth shouldn't have to be brainwashed! It should stand on it's own and refute all claims against it, but in fact, the LDS church does the opposite.
Scientific and historical evidence have basically proven that the church is false. Add to that a little common sense and you just found the real truth. The LDS church is a fraud. And guess what? I don't need to repeat it to myself every day for fear of losing it. I don't need to bear my testimony of the falseness of the gospel so that my conviction will grow! It is truth and it stands on it's own! There is no doubt and no fear of losing it. I don't need to constantly brainwash myself for fear of gradually slipping back into activity! It just makes me laugh how stupid the churches system really is once I sit down and start thinking about it!
When I stopped going to church, all these expectations were lifted and I felt a peace that I hadn't felt for a long time (if ever at all). By it's very nature, mormonism is exhausting and depressing. Freeing myself from the church is by far the most liberating move I have ever made.
Why the hell would I ever want to go back?
2 comments:
Ok, I know this is one of your first posts from forever ago... I plan on reading your blog from start to finish but I can't wait that long to leave a comment. I am also ex-mormon, born into the religion. Congrats to you for getting out. Isn't it amazing how you can find something to be relieved about on a daily basis now that you're out? I drive past the church building on Sundays and it never fails, I get an overwhelming sense of relief and calm that I am not there and that I don't ever have to go back. NO MORE GUILT = my motto! Will check back later after I catch up. Keep on keepin on :)
Thanks for the comment and congratulations to you as well for finding your way out. I was just out for a drive and I was thinking to myself that I absolutely dread the thought that I might have been Mormon all my life. I can't imagine dealing with all the guilt and expectations my entire life! I feel, just as you put it, "an overwhelming sense of relief." At first, I was unsure of how to feel knowing that the entire world I knew was false; now I thank "god" every day that I did. Finding out that the church is not true has been the most liberating and important event in my life. I could never go back. Not for anything.
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