Sunday, May 24, 2009

I Always Hated Interviews

Interviews, interviews, interviews. I hated them in all their forms. Even as a believer I hated them. Each time you moved up in rank in the priesthood (primary to deacon, deacon to teacher, teacher to priest, etc.) you get to have a nice chat with the bishop in which he would pry into your personal life. You even had to have a worthiness interview in order to be baptized. Now wait a minute! Why do I need a worthiness interview if the LDS believe that children under 8 are sinless?

Remember those stupid dances? You had to have a damn interview just to be able to go to them. The bishop who interviewed me for one such dance asked me if I masturbate.

Then there is the temple recommend interview. It used to be every year; now they have made it every two years. Why the need for the repetative questions? If I'm active and paying and participating, it should be pretty obvious that I believe, or at least appear to believe. I mean, hell, you could lie your ass off in any of these damn interviews and somehow the bishop never seemed to catch it.

Not that I had to lie much to pass, but when that perverted fucker asked me if I masturbate, I told that bastard NO, which, of course, was a lie. His spirit of discernment must have been on vacation that day because I got my dance recommend.

PPI or Personal Priesthood Interview - this is where you meet with the elders quorum president and he basically asks you all the questions that the nosey bishop asks. Hometeaching, activity, personal prayer, scripture study, callings, meetings, yada, yada, yada. I especially hated these interviews because the EQP would always make me commit to some huge project, the details of which I can't remember.

Then there was the mission interviews. I swear, at least a damn dozen! I had to have an interview to become an elder. I had to have an interview to get my patriarchial blessing. I had to have an interview to determine if I was worthy to submit my mission papers. Once I got my call I had to have another interview to make sure I was still worthy. Then I had an interview just before getting set apart as a missionary. The part that really urked me was the fact that it was the same bishop asking me the same damn questions every time. WTF! Couldn't he just ask me if I'm still worthy and leave it at that? Not only that, but the damn stake president had to interview me too.

What is the point of double interviews, such as for a recommend? If I'm going to lie to the bishop, then I'm going to lie to the stake president too. If the bishop didn't catch my lie, then the damn stake president probably won't either. It's just a stupid formality and a waste of time.

Then you get on your mission and you have to have monthly interviews with the mission president. I never felt any special connection to my president. I saw the interviews as nothing but a waste of time. On top of that, we were required to write a weekly letter to the president. I didn't always do it but when I did, I just put some bullshit on the paper and mailed it off.

I'll never forget the idiot who officially released me from missionary service. Naturally, before he can release you, he has to interview you. Why? I have no damn clue. If I fail the interview, are you going to force me to remain a missionary and serve two more years? I remember the idiot asking me if I had still obeyed all the mission rules since returning home. What the hell does that question have to do with anything? If I didn't, what are you going to do? Not release me? Send me back? I lied and answered that, yes, I had. His amazing power of discernment somehow missed that one.

Then you get back and want to get married so you have to go through more interviews in order to make sure that you haven't been doinking the girl you want to marry in the temple. You would think that a current temple recommend would suffice, but no. You have to get a special recommend to get married. Even with a current recommend, you can't get married without the bishops (and possibly stake presidents) permission.

It's no wonder, looking back, that I hated interviews. I was always uncomfortable. Always! Even though I really had nothing to hide, I was just uncomfortable with them. I never liked having someone pry into my personal life. At the time, however, I thought that by enduring them that I was earning my way into heaven. I'll be damned on the day I ever set foot into a bishops office again!

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