Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What Really Happened When the Earth Was Created

Mormons believe that Jesus actually created the world under Gods direction. Here is how that conversation might have played out:

God: "Hey, Jez. Come here."

Jesus: "Yo, whaddup, dad."

God: "I have this great idea. You know how me and all of my wives have produced billions and billions of spiritual babes... well, the house is kinda full and I need to get them out of here."

Jesus: "You made the problem. Now deal with it."

God: "You have to create another world where I can send all these whiny kids!"

Jesus: "You're so lazy, dad. Why don't you do it yourself?"

God: "I would, but I'm stuck babysitting all the time. I really need your help."

Jesus: "Fine, I'll do it."

God: "Great! Here's what I want you to do.... I want you to create the earth in periods. Then when the earth is all ready, we will put man and he will finally be out of the house. Now listen carefully, because this next part is a little complicated..."

Jesus, under his breath: "You always complicate things."

God: "Once man is on the earth, we will test him to see if he is worthy to come back to heaven. So what I'll do is give him a set of commandments. But the catch is that in order to keep one commandment, he'll have to break another."

Jesus: "That's just cruel."

God: "I'll command him to have kids, and I'll make it really fun so that he'll make lots of them. But the only way he can have kids is by eating this fruit that I'll put there. Then I'll command him not to eat the fruit! No matter what, he is breaking a commandment and I'll declare that he is unworthy to return to heaven! That way, all these little brats will finally be out of here!"

Jesus: "Oh my god (no pun intended), God, you really have a sick sense of humor."

God: "And to make sure that hardly any of them make it back, I'll give them this book that is complicated as hell and impossible to understand and intrepret. That way, they will all have a million different beliefs and I can declare them unworthy. But just to be sure, we'll give them a whole ton of additional commandments. If they disobey any, then we'll just kill them and send them to hell."

Jesus: "Anything else?"

God: "Yes, to make them doubt the book and me, why don't you put a whole bunch of dinosaur skeletons everywhere. We will put a whole ton of evidence all over the earth that the book is false. That way, we can weed out even more of the elect. Then, to finish it off, I'll send this guy and name him Darwin. He will confuse the living crap out of everyone and that should just about do the trick."

Jesus: "You are really a sick, demented bastard!"

God: "Just wait and see. I can't wait until I get to drown them all."


Anonymous said...

Funny as hell!!!!!

dp in ia said...

That is awesome!!!

I might have to link to that one... :)