Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Bottom Line

I've got a time machine and I went back to Joseph Smith's time and hid a recorder. The following is the transcript of that recording.

JS: "Hello, Brigham. You've really got to try this!"

BY: "Try what?"

JS: "14 year old pussy."

BY: "Sounds great, but how do you get a 14 year old to let you, you know?"

JS: "Oh that's easy. All you do is tell her family that you just had a vision and that god wants you to have her. If they let you, then they all get to go to heaven. If they don't let you, then they all go to hell. They are so damn gullible! It works every time!"

BY: "Damn, why didn't I think of that?"

JS: "But that's not all. When your wife finds out and gets really pissed about it, just tell her that you received a revelation that if she doesn't shut up, god will destroy her!"

BY: "Shit! When you're a prophet, you really get to do anything you want, don't you?"

JS: "Sure do! One time, this girl's dad asked me if I was really sure that it was a revelation and I had to think quick! I told him that I really didn't want to fuck his daughter, but an angel with a flaming sword threatened to kill me if I didn't."

BY: "And he actually believed it?"

JS: "Hook, line, and sinker, my friend! It's amazing what people will do if you promise them salvation for it. Hell, I've got fathers practically unwrapping their virgin daughters for me."

BY: "Do you think I could try it?"

JS: "Sure, but we need to keep in on the DL for a while. All you need to do is tell the girl that god wants you to marry her. We do this little bullshit marriage ceremony and then she's yours."

BY: "Hmmm.... my neighbors wife is kind of hot."

JS: "Got that figured out too. I just send her husband off on a mission and once he's gone I tell her about my little revelations. It's not a few hours after he's gone that I'm banging the hot little bitch!"

BY: "It's so crazy it just might work! But what will we say if people start asking questions?"

JS: "Way ahead of you, brother. We tell them that god wants us to be polygamists. As the leaders, we need to set the proper example."

BY: "You de man!"

JS: "Hey, all you got to do is come up with some dazzling bullshit and people will walk off a cliff for you. Just promise them salvation, riches, royalty, mansions, and power."

BY: "I'd better start thinking up some of my own bullshit. You're so bad!"

JS: "It's not bad if god wants you to do it. Anytime you're in a pickle, you can always think up a good revelation to bail you out."

BY: "I'll remember that. I can't believe how gullible they are."

JS: "I know! I'm fucking their daughters and they're paying me to do it! (Both laughing)

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